Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics