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ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend


*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*cuts wires*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one


Mum: “OMG clean your room! This is MADNESS!”
Me: “Madness?! NO… THIS IS SPARTA!!”
*Kicks Mum*..



~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.


I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!


me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]


Girls be like “i can fix him” okay bob the builder relax


me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none


They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys


Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.