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@NewDadNotes

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

@ohen39

“Hey!”

*thousands of people turn around*

Guy who invented names: I HAVE to fix this.

@ilovepie84

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

@fairycakes

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

@ArfMeasures

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

@slyoung5

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

@badbanana

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

@shashaintl

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

@yeaanotherchris

My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.