You’re a big fat liar! And I don’t believe anything you say!
See if I get naked for you again!!

-Me to my scale as I step off of it

You Might Also Like


ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or


if i were a white vegan satanist i would constantly say stuff like “kale satan” and “i love the dark gourd” and nobody would stop me


I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.


Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.


4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?


wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE


Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…


I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.


NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while


kid: [breaks open piñata] are these… receipts

dad: costs a lot of money to raise u kids

kid: [reads a receipt] is this one for the piñata