I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.