@mexinonblonde

You’re a big fat liar! And I don’t believe anything you say!
See if I get naked for you again!!

-Me to my scale as I step off of it

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@ehdannyboy

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

@ramenfuneral

if i were a white vegan satanist i would constantly say stuff like “kale satan” and “i love the dark gourd” and nobody would stop me

@UncleDuke1969

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

@nerdreign

Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

@_elvishpresley_

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

@1par8head

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

@CarpentersCrack

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

@KylePlantEmoji

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

@okiecorri

kid: [breaks open piñata] are these… receipts

dad: costs a lot of money to raise u kids

kid: [reads a receipt] is this one for the piñata