You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
<- sleeps well with others
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?