You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
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My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I was just discussing this with my cat
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
In case you needed to hear it:
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary