Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.