You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
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A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer