A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
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They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
worst…sale…ever
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.