You’re a loose cannon, Detective. Hand in your badge. AND your gun. AND your badge that is actually a gun. AND your gun that shoots badges.

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“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”


“5, 4”


“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”


I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.


Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer


In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour


[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*


Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”


Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.




Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.