“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
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Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
no
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
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“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.