“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
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Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
twitter users today:
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.