“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
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we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays