“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
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Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
