Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends