“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
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When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.