“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
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The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.