“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
