“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
me refusing to leave twitter
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.