The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Doctor: are you an active marijuana user?
Me: not really, I usually just sit on the couch and play video games
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
On the sofa and hear boyfriend start laughing to himself in the kitchen.
Turns out he’d just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce
Instead of food, I put a note in my kid’s lunchbox that says, “just steal a sandwich from one of the weaker children.”
“Oh great. Another puppy.” – Sarah McLachlan’s friends at Christmas