“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.