You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

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Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.


I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.


When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.


What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.


ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it


Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer


In honeycombs, why are the babies called larvae and not wannabees?


wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat