“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
You Might Also Like
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
awkward
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
john wicks are toilet candles
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.