“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
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birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty