“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
men, we mow at sunrise.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK