“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
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Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
wtf is an acronym
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Optional boss fight.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight