Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

I might carry a baby with one hand.

Sign of the day..

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”