You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
man i love columbo
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS