Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!