You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
You Might Also Like
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
That’s it.I’m out.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.