You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
You Might Also Like
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Sir!!
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Tuesday
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.