You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
You Might Also Like
is this store having a stroke wtf
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something