You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
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Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I beg your pardon?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.