You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
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Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
This seems like peak sibling energy
seems fine
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Single and childfree like Jesus
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My favorite female superhero
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*