You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
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If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Danger is very dangerous
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.