You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Breaking news:
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.