you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
You Might Also Like
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake