you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
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My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>