Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

Some people were born into their job.

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.