you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
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INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist