Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

Phones down.

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.