Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?