You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
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The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Spring cleaning checklist…
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?