You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
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I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.