You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
You Might Also Like
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
#ParentingFacts
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Beauty and the Beast
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
