You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
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Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Holy moly
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
This a good idea
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.