You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
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Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.