You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
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These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.