Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I came this close!!!!

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

Seas the day!!!!

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

Gas station lines at 2 am:

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

two people or more is called a problem