You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
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Coffee for people with no kids
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
the #horror is real!