You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
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ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
This is the best one I’ve seen
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.