You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.