You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
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You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside