You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high