“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
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walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that