You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
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i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
That took me a moment.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
#Caturday
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us