You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
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My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you