“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
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My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
In banana years, I am bread.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic