Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

figuring out my emotional availability:

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order