“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

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If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”


You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.


I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.


Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.


I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.


If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college


Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then


[Catwomanโ€™s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.


my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me