@Pork_Chop_Hair

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

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@StellaRtwot

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

@VioricaMarian1

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

@dshack8

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

@Ophelia_808

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

@withanewname

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

@LuvPug

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

@TheToddWilliams

[Catwomanโ€™s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

@prettysadmostly

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me