“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.