“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
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i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Me, flirting😏
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.