Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

Gross if literal…Liverpool

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.