[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
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itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Unimpressed
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?