“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*