“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
me working on my assignments ^-^
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road