“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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I’m already scared
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice