“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
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Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.