“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
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If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!