‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
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I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat