‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
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Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
that wasn’t the question
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
We decided to have money instead of children.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?