“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
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Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Lol.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me