“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
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Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Meow
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My dad teaching me to drive
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.