“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Webb. James Webb.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
