“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
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Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.