You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv