Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

he was correct

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

Do one person every day that scares you.

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣