you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
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A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.